Greetings, ‘Dial-heads, and happy St. Patrick’s Day to one and all! Enjoy your green beer, street parades, and cabbage soup, just make sure ye watch underfoot fer the little people, now, ya hear? Me, I’m actually of Irish descent, and therefore have established a tradition of taking St. Patty’s Day off from my usual bibulous pursuits. Let the amateurs have one day (two, if ya throw in New Year’s Eve...), that’s my take on it, it is. But that doesn’t mean I’ll put my pen to rest and lay about, either- we’ve still got a couple installments to go in our March Musical Muck Madness series, so let’s get to it, shall we?

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: “I don’t want (a) record to dictate to me, to say, well, ‘This is where your head should be while you’re listening to this record.’ The thing is, you can take anything at a spiritual level, if you want to. Primarily, by itself, the record’s got to entertain...it’s just a piece of entertainment, like life itself. If life ceases to entertain, what do you want to do? You want to commit suicide.”

Epic Hero
New Life (2003)
Self Released

Like a lot of young bands these days, Epic Hero didn’t include a proper press kit with their package, so when I pulled their CD out of the stack for review a couple of days ago, I was forced to check ‘em out on the web. I’d already gleaned from their one-sheet (a “brag” list that includes press clips, radio play info, etc.) that the album had been produced by Semisonic front man Dan Wilson (a fact that might impress two 17-year-old girls in Dubuque, Iowa, but doesn’t exactly reassure anybody else who’s (A) heard Semisonic’s latest album and (B) has spent any amount of time in a recording studio and knows what true, honest music sounds like) and had sold over 4,000 copies of their first effort, A Brighter Mess. I also found out that the song “End Of The Line” was in regular rotation on the Twin Cities’ Drive 105 (oh, yay! Sorry, I haven’t forgotten that it used to be REV 105 and it used to not SUCK), and that the band had received “substantial” air play from several other radio stations, including a couple out in California.

And speaking of California, one of the scariest quotes included on the one-sheet comes from suck-up L.A. disc jockeys Marc and Brian, who have a morning show on KLOS. The “dudes” say right up front that “Epic Hero reminded us so much of Matchbox 20...” Argh. Now, who out there REALLY wants to be compared to Matchbox 20 nowadays? I mean, that’s like living in the ‘80s and WANTING to be compared to Journey, or living in the ‘90s and WANTING to be compared to Lionel Ritchie, ya know?

Warning bells went off like it was the first Wednesday of the month all over again as I continued to read. Sixpence None The Richer thinks they’re cool.. IndieCrit.com says they “... have the formula down ...” and, “... should give Rob Thomas the shakes.” (Come on, man, what gives Rob Thomas the shakes is worrying about how badly he’s going to get “punked” by Ashton Kutcher on MTV, or if there are any video copies floating around of him lip-synching to Madonna’s “Material Girl” in his underwear when he was in high school, not some imitation of his own imitation of good rock and roll.)

Sunset Strip Radio says Epic Hero are “Like Nine Days, Matchbox 20, or the Goo Goo Dolls ...” with “... an optimistic vibe, a hip appearance, and strong songs.” A HIP APPEARANCE? Is that like, something to aspire to? (Sigh) I guess I should also mention that the band has opened for the likes of Lit, Semisonic (surprise, surprise!), Soul Asylum (you don’t really like this stuff, do you, Dave?), Dishwalla (still “Counting Blue Cars,” as far as I know) and Something Corporate (GREAT band name, kids! At least you’re honest about your goals).

You’re probably wondering where all this is leading, huh? I don’t blame you. I mean, I get literally hundreds of over-produced, over-hyped, over-done bullshit records for review every year, so why should I be so offended by this one? Well, remember when I told you I had to go to the web to see the band’s real press kit? I punched the name Epic Hero into Google, and lo and behold, they were the first name to come up in the search. The first words in the description were: “Christian bands play great rock music and shows ...”

Curious, I searched throughout the band’s website for any other reference to “Christian Rock.” Nothing. Oh, there are some hints that the boys might not be livin’ on the wild side—they told one newspaper that they’re “not really into drinking that much.” and they say flat-out that they started out playing church gigs. They also say they’re really glad to play clubs where music is more important than the drinking, and they do thank God in the liner notes of their CD. But “Christian Rock”? Neither their press kit nor their music give any indication as to why this tag is used.

I must admit, that’s where I got hung up, kids. Why does the band have ANY reference to being a “Christian Rock” band at all on their website? And if that’s what they are, why don’t they follow up on that proclamation with some information? I mean, I don’t CARE if they’re a “Christian Rock” band, although I suppose some folks might be a little turned off by that characterization (like, say, Jewish folks, atheist folks, Moslem folks, and Leonard Cohen). I just wondered why they’d even introduce such a “controversial” term to their site and then just act like they’d never said it.

Like, are they one of those “hush-hush” “Christian Rock” bands who like to sneak into the den of iniquity with all their heathen brothers and sisters and then SPRING the “message” onto ‘em after they’ve had a couple bracers? I mean, I’m trying to imagine what they possibly had in common with those gods of Spring Breaks past, Lit? Or Dave Pirner? I mean, I guess I could see the cats in Dishwalla (remember—they said God was a woman in their one big hit song! Man, are those guys enlightened, or what?) hangin’ out with Epic Hero and drinkin’ sodas after a gig, but I’ve spent my time back stage after rock gigs, and it’s usually not the best place to start spoutin’ dogma and doctrine, ya dig? (sigh) (again)

Anyway, I guess what bugged me the most about the “Christian Rock” reference was the fact that it was so completely, utterly unnecessary. I mean, did The Ramones call themselves a “Jewish Rock” band? I don’t think so. But they (at least Joey and Dee Dee) came from Jewish backgrounds and heritage. No, they didn’t make it a practice to sing about being Jewish, but then, neither do Epic Hero seem to make it a practice to sing about being Christian. It’s just more information than the average Joe/Jane needs to know, and if you’re not actually going to go all out and be a “Holy Roller” band, why even bother mentioning it? Frankly, as Milquetoast as this record is, the “Christian Rock” genre is better off without it.

OK, so we’ve established that Epic Hero consider themselves a “Christian Rock” band, but that they don’t actually sing about Christianity. Oh, unless you count the line, “...remember that day we spent in heaven” in the song “New Life,” or the last track on the album, “Angel,” and since Hendrix did one better with that title, let’s not. So what do they sing about? GIRLS!! That’s right, the staple of any young Christian male’s daily diet. I mean, I just saw “The Passion Of The Christ,” and that Jesus cat was all about the KITTIES, man. Ack. Look, I don’t mind songs about girls, or relationships, or even “High School” (which was co-written with Dan Wilson), but can they be GOOD songs, please?

Frankly, I’m so irritated by this band’s presentation, (unsubstantiated) proclamations, and dorky musical declarations, that I’m not even going to review the record track-by-track. I’d just be wasting your time and mine. Those “brags” in the band’s one-sheet were right on the money, buddy. They DO sound JUST LIKE Matchbox 20, Sixpence None The Richer, Dishwalla, and late-period Goo Goo Dolls. Which is to say, they sound just like 99 percent of the CRAP emanating from your local radio station and music television. Boring, same-y, predictable, note-perfect hoo-ha. (yawn. Or to quote the inimitable Kathleen Hanna, SUPER-FUCKING YAWN.) So if you’re into Rob Thomas and his ilk, this is the record for you. On the other hand, if your musical taste and curiosity goes a little deeper than your typical soccer mom’s, you’ll absolutely HATE this album.

I’d actually prefer to hear some REAL “Christian Rock,” like the stuff put out by the guy I used for this column’s quote of the week, rather than sit through this turgid, spineless batch of self-aggrandizing dreck. Larry Norman, who was one of the progenitors of that hard-to-define genre known today as “Christian Rock,” was actually BANNED by the Christian church elders of the ‘70s for putting his faith-based, Dylan-esque lyrics to rock an’ roll music. How fitting, then, considering organized religion’s propensity to NOT recognize their greatest warriors in their hey-days (see “The Passion Of The Christ”), that Larry’s 1972 release, Only Visiting This Planet, was voted the greatest Christian rock album ever recorded by the CCM in 1990. His songs, “Why Does The Devil Have All The Good Music,” “I Wish We’d All Been Ready,” and “The Outlaw” still ring true today with the unmistakable power of his beliefs. And though he’s been sidelined from the music biz by life-threatening health problems for much of the past decade, Larry’s music lives on as a testament on how to present “Christian Rock” (or any kind of spiritually-based music intended for mass consumption) in a tasteful, enjoyable way. To paraphrase Townshend’s quote this week, regardless of Norman’s “message,” his records were ENTERTAINING. That means fun to listen to. Unlike the record made by the subjects of this week’s rant.

If we’re (and they’re) lucky, Epic Hero’s latest album will end up tanking (hey! I’ll help! Here’s a couple of ready-to-use pull-quotes you can throw in amongst the ubiquitous back- slappers in your press kit, Heroes: “...boring, same-y, predictable, note-perfect hoo-ha...” “(Epic Hero) sound like 99 percent of the CRAP emanating from your local radio...” “...a turgid, spineless batch of self-aggrandizing dreck...” “...if your musical taste....goes deeper than your typical soccer mom’s, you’ll absolutely HATE this record...”- Tom Hallett, Pulse Newspaper) and this incarnation of the band will end up nothing more than a tiny footnote in the already highly tainted rock pantheon of the ‘Oughts.

Maybe then they’d go back to square one, decide whether they’re gonna sing about Jesus or Jezebel (either one or both are fine, just don’t claim to be FOR one and then turn around and cash in on singin’ about the other ...), and try recording an album that DOESN’T sound like every other money-grubbing wonk on the radio. (ya know, that whole “Can’t serve both God and mammon thing ... check it out!”) Until then, I gotta say I agree with Larry Norman. The devil shouldn’t have all the good music.

Unfortunately, if this is the best God’s rock ’n’ roll army has to offer, ol’ Scratch doesn’t have much to worry about. That’s it for me, girlz an’ boyz. I gotta go wash my ears out with a tattered copy of Black Sabbath’s “We Sold Our Souls For Rock And Roll”... OZZY! Now there’s a guy who knew how to spout off about the Bible. Until next time—make yer own damn news.

If you have local music news/gigs/CD’s you’d like reviewed, or you’d just like to declare your own jihad against me for dissin’ on over-produced, corporate-type schlock-rock, send replies to: TMygunn777@aol.com.