 by Tom Hallet
Last night I had a dream ... and in this dream, our beloved President, George W. Bush, was on an old-fashioned train tour of the U.S., stumping for his brother Jeb’s 2008 election. At each stop, George would smile, wave and greet the bright, sunny faces of his many admirers and loyal devotees. After each inspirational, rousing sermon, he’d break into song—a fat man with a banjo accompanying him as he danced merrily and led the masses in an unabashedly joyful rendition of “For God’s Sake, Give More Power To The People.”
Jeb never spoke in my dream, just stood behind his big brother, waving and smiling and basking in the glow of adoration bestowed upon him by the shoe salesmen, gas station clerks and unemployed auto workers crowding the stations ....
body>QUOTE OF THE WEEK: “Is this chicken, what I have, or
is this fish? I know it’s tuna, but it says ‘Chicken of the Sea.’”
— Jessica Simpson
SONG OF THE WEEK: “God Bless America” —
Lee Greenwood
When I awoke, I had an epiphany—The Bush family is actually America’s
New Kennedys —brought forth unto us by a loving and paternal God who has
decided to give us a chance at a New Camelot, a New Golden Age and also the
keys to the Kingdom Of Heaven, which I think is going to be where New Orleans
used to be once they clear all those stragglers and unclean refugees outta there.
Anyhow, it being this close to Easter (where we remind the world of the blood,
pain and sacrifice that are the very building blocks of Our National Religion—Christianity—
praise, praise, amen!), I thought I’d share this divinely inspired, life-changing
dream I was given with you, the readers. Just think—in a few more years,
we’ll be celebrating the dawn of Bush Empire, Part III!! Me, I can’t
wait ... as a matter of fact, I’m going to kick off the festivities right
now with a review of a brand new album from a man who, by all rights, should
be proclaimed America’s permanent Poet Laureate, in keeping with the spirit
of the times and the glorious achievements of our Fearless Leaders. Ladies and
gentlemen, without further ado, I bring you the brilliant, thought-provoking
artistic genius of one ...
 Toby
Keith
White Trash With Money
Show Dog Nashville
2006
That’s right, the Big Dog is back, folks!! And this time ’round
there’s no stoppin’ the burly, hat-wearin’ son-of-a-cowpoke!!
That’s right, a couple weeks before his first album on his own Show Dog
Nashville imprint (that’s a fancy way of sayin’ the label is probably
a subsidiary of Keith’s
corporate label ... sometimes when an artist just gets too prolific or goes
beyond his or her already-proven genius level, the big guys pony up an’
let their artist pretend to have their own label) hits the street, our hero’s
first single, “Get Drunk And Be Somebody” (wasn’t that a T-shirt
slogan, too?), has already rocketed to no. 8 on the Billboard charts!!
Although I haven’t actually heard the single yet (or the album, to be
completely honest), I’m reassured by the title that it will be equal to,
or above, the standards we’ve come to expect from a good ol’ feller
who’s brought us such American Country Classics as “I’m So
Happy I Can’t Stop Crying” and “Some Kinda Good Kinda Hold
On Me.” That reminds me: Toby’s given new life to the once-flailing
bumper sticker industry, as well. Who says Nashville isn’t good for the
economy? I don’t see those hedonistic rock fans running out to buy new
Ford trucks with American flags imprinted on the rear windows, ya know?
 Oh,
but who cares about stuff like that? In fact, I don’t even really wanna
hear this record at all—it would be more pleasure than this humble Christian
soldier deserves. I’ll just be happy to reflect the glory of Keith and
his merry band of cohorts by buying multiple copies of the album and sending
it overseas to our troops. Those guys an’ gals NEED a rousing, patriotic
soundtrack like this to continue our glorious fight for peace. Does that make
sense? Aw, that don’t matter either, does it? Blind faith, folks. That’s
the key—I, for one, will hereby and furthermore never again question the
wisdom, piety or intentions of our leaders or our entertainers.
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE LOVE THIS GUY!! HE MUST BE GREAT!! Don’t ask yourselves
why you’re doing it; just get off your duffs and get down to your local
brand-name music source and BUY THIS ALBUM!! You’ll be doing the economy
good, you’ll be supporting real, true art and you’ll be doing yourselves
a favor, in the meantime. How could any self-respecting music nut possibly live
without their very own copy of White Trash With Money? For that matter,
how can any loyal, patriotic American live without one? After all, the title
of the album SHOULD replace “E Pluribus Unum” on our currency—it
certainly fits. Probably really great stuff; as I said, I’ve never listened
to the album and have no plans to, but I’m sure you’ll all love
it. Don’t let God, country and the Keith Family Trust down, gang—in
stores April 11.
R.I.P.: Buck Owens –1929-2006.
That’s it for me, fellow loyal Christians and citizens. I’m off
to the bumper sticker store to restock on “Spare a Horse, Ride a Cowboy”
stickers. Until next time—make yer own damn news.
If you have local gigs/events/CDs you’d like to see mentioned
in this space, or you’d just like to re-enter the proper time/space continuum,
send replies to: Tmygunn777@peoplepc.com. ||
Audio + Visual: Pulse DVD Round-Up
With the recent proliferation of both new and old live performances,
documentaries, video collections, and career retrospectives being released on
DVD, it’s tough to keep up on what’s worth your dollar and what’s
not. We’ve collected a passel of tasty audio/visual treats over
the past few months- here’s the cream of the crop for your perusal:
 Andrew
W.K.
Who Knows?
2005
MVD
Tracks: Violent Life/Victory Strikes Again/Long Live The Party/We Want Fun/Ready
To Die/It’s Time To Party/Take It Off/Make Sex/Totally Stupid/Girls Own
Love/She Is Beautiful/Tear It Up/I Love NYC/I Get Wet/Never Let Down/Party Hard
Born and raised in California, the man known as Andrew
W.K. began piano lessons at age four, and is self-taught on keyboards and
drums. His career has consisted of “writing, photo-montage, magazines,
sculpture, mail fraud, theft, vandalism, self-tattooing, dozens of part-time
jobs, and the manufacture and distribution of counterfeit footwear ...”
 And,
of course, singing, songwriting and these legendary live performances. A sometimes
bloody-faced, bearded, long-haired, grinning madman who’s equally comfortable
performing while sitting in a wheelchair or jump-kicking the splits five feet
in the air à la David Lee Roth, he’s been wowing audiences around
the world for half a decade- 600 shows and counting as of this video’s
release. He’s broken his nose, tripped on guitar cords, fallen off stage
and generally battered himself silly in the maniacal pursuit of his own personal
rock ‘n’ roll dream. So what’s the W.K. stand for? Well, you
might find out by watching this documentary/live performance collection, but
as its title says, who knows? And who cares? The point here is the music and
its performers. Andrew W.K. is a guy, but also a band, a family, an organization,
a freak show, a carnival, a parade, a battle zone, a tribal celebration and
a never-ending, non-stop road party. This collection celebrates not only the
music (a wild, exuberant, sometimes completely insane mix of death metal noise,
shredded, growling vocals, mawkish, Queen-influenced pomp and circumstance,
punk attitude, beyond-Elton-and-Billy keyboard tomfoolery, and absolutely gorgeous,
catchy melodies and sing-a-longs), but combines hundreds of hours of live and
rare footage with an ongoing, intermittent voice-over narrative from the man
himself. It also captures the absolutely amazing spread of “W.K Fever”
across the globe, as audiences in state after state, country after country,
grow and swell and catch a Cheap Trick-esque rock n’ roll mania that’s
ever-expanding and as addictive as any drug on the street. Truly inspirational,
powerful, rousing, and a treat for both the eye and the ear- as A.W.K.’s
father notes in the accompanying booklet: “If you let them think, then
you let them know, and then if you let them think they know, then you can undo
initial impressions based on their own awareness of being an observer.”
Yeahhh- or something like that, pops.
Features: Special bonus section plus additional behind-the-scenes footage
and booklet.
 Syd
Barrett
Under Review: An Independent Critical Analysis
2005
Chrome Dreams
Tracks: Clips, film, TV, video and live performances.
 Billed
as “The ultimate review and critical analysis of the music of Syd
Barrett,” this 66-minute rock doc (which plainly states that it’s
not been approved by the Barrett family, meaning that it basically pulls no
punches) explores the music, the mind and the madness of the legendary Pink
Floyd founder. Using interview footage of Syd, members of the Floyd, TV clips,
promo films and live performances, a bevy of rock crits, writers and musicians
(including Chris Welch, David Parker, Nigel Williamson, Soft Machine bassist
Hugh Hopper, Malcolm Dome and others) form an “independent panel”
to examine, discuss and debate the finer points of the damaged genius’
career and legacy. Though the opinions presented are, of course, debatable,
this collection is worth the price for the impressive collection of rare Barrett
footage and a host of extras, including the story behind the lost Barrett recordings
(watch the video- you might be surprised) and more. A must-have for Floyd/Barrett
fans.
Features: Extra footage, “The hardest Syd Barrett interactive quiz in
the world” and full contributor biographies.
 Devo
Live 1980
2005
MVD
Tracks: Whip It/Snowball/It’s Not Right/Girl U Want/Planet Earth/S.I.B.
(Swelling Itch Brain)/Secret Agent Man/Pink Pussycat/Blockhead/(I Can’t
Get No) Satisfaction/Uncontrollable Urge/Mongoloid/Be Stiff/Gates Of Steel/Freedom
Of Choice/Jocko Homo/Smart Patrol/Mr. DNA/Gut Feeling/Slap Your Mammy/Come Back
Jonee/Tunnel Of Life/Devo Corporate Anthem
 “The
five spuds from O-H-I-O seemed to have an agenda ... to make you think, laugh
(and) build home-made energy domes ...” So says the liner notes for this
(not surprisingly) way-ahead-of-its-time performance by inspirational art-rockers
Devo. Kicking off the New Wave movement,
tying up punk’s loose ends, defying all authority and tradition, impressing
artists ranging from Neil Young (who used the band on his Live Rust tour) to
Johnny Rotten, the brothers Mothersbaugh and co. really and truly were one of
the main catalysts for the video age. This performance catches them at the absolute
height of their powers, includes most of their biggest hits and proves beyond
a shadow of a doubt that there’ll never be another like them- though the
band have recently formed Devo.2, a collective of pre-teen rockers who’ve
attended the band’s own “School of Rock.” If you’ve
never caught Devo live, here’s a chance to see them in their undisputed
glory. If you were lucky enough to have attended one of their earlier gigs,
you’ll revel in the memories and musical madness collected here. An audio/visual
treasure and a definite marking point in world history, as Greg Prato notes
on the DVDs back cover: “... Darth Vader has just told Luke Skywalker
that he’s his pop, the hostages are about to be released in Iran, many
were left wondering just who shot J.R., the U.S. hockey team has taken home
the gold, and Space Invaders Mania is still sweeping the country ...”
Oh, and Devo was onstage in flower-pot hats, whippin’ that pink pussycat
but good ... not to be missed.
Features: Extra footage, ultra-rare live performances of “Praying Hands”
and “Shrivel Up.”
 Drive-By
Truckers
The Dirty South Tour
Live At The 40 Watt Club
2005
New West
Tracks: Where The Devil Don’t Stay/Tornadoes/The Day John Henry Died/Puttin’
People On The Moon/Carl Perkins’ Cadillac/Sinkhole/Never Gonna Change/Cottonseed/The
Buford Stick/The Southern Thing/Decoration Day/Marry Me/ Goddamn Lonely Love/Lookout
Mountain/Daddy’s Cup/Danko/Manuel/The Living Bubba/Outfit/Women Without
Whiskey/Shut Up And Get On The Plane/Careless/People Who Died
 Thank
the stars for DBT!! These “dirty”
Southern boys (and girl) originally hail- all but one- from around Muscle Shoals,
Ala., and deliver gutsy, down-to-earth, universal rock n’ roll filtered
through a hazy shroud of Neil Young-ish guitars, Steve Earle-esque lyrical lay-outs,
and Skynyrd-inspired on-stage hell raisin’. This package- the band’s
first ever DVD- collects the two shows (from August 27th & 28th, 2004) the
band performed at the legendary 40 Watt Club in Athens, Geo., to kick off their
Dirty South Tour. While it’s a nifty showcase for the band’s indefatigable
energy, comradeship, awe-inspiring songwriting and raw talent, it’s also
a real treat for rabid fans, with commentary from the band, backstage footage,
and a great cross-section of their past and current material, all now available
on CD as well from New West. This is no-bullshit, balls-to-the-wall live stage
action at its finest. Put it this way- if you can watch this DVD without feeling
SOMETHING, you might as well give up the ghost, pal. Real, honest, blood-and-guts
American rock ‘n’ roll without a trace of irony. Goddamn, I love
this fucking band! Highly recommended.
Features: Backstage footage, band commentary, interviews, encore.
 God
Save The Queen
A Punk Rock Anthology
2005
MVD
Tracks: Sonic Reducer - Dead Boys/ Born To Lose - Johnny Thunders (with interview)/
CID- UK Subs/ Media Blitz - Germs/ I Wanna Be Your Dog - Iggy & The Stooges/
Viva La Revolution - The Adicts/ Boredom - The Buzzcocks/ Fuck The USA - The
Exploited/ Big City - Subhumans/ Marky Ramone Interview/ Stand Strong, Stand
Proud - Vice Squad/ Your Generation - Generation X (with interview)/ Nellie
The Elephant - Toy Dolls/ Right To Work - Chelsea/ Identity - X-Ray Spex (with
interview)/ Homicide - 999/ New Age - Blitz/ Generals - GBH/ Black Sheep Radical
– Goldblade/ Tell Us The Truth - Sham 69
 Posing
the question, “What would have happened if the Punk Revolution had been
televised?” this collection of barely contained, “wild teenage anarchy”
gives a decent overview and provides a fascinating collection of rare video
footage from the era of rock ‘n’ roll that began the metaphorical
Ice Age for “Dinosaur Rock.” With performances ranging from the
joyfully sloppy (Dead Boys) to the angry (UK Subs, Germs) to the primally sensual
(Iggy barking, howling and shimmying his way through “I Wanna Be Your
Dog” is about as close to the spirit of true American garage rock as you’ll
ever see, epitomized by his desperate call to the audience/universe, “I
need love! I’m in fucking Detroit!”), God Save The Queen is a satisfying,
rowdy, lusty dip into the pool of pure punk. Interview footage with the likes
of the late Johnny Thunders (who turns in one of the most clear-headed, well-spoken,
and completely sober sit-downs of his career here- though the interviewer absolutely
CANNOT let the subject of drugs go), Marky Ramone (silently mouthing his responses
to an unseen interviewer, and probably saying nothing you haven’t heard
before, it’s still cool to see a Ramone- even a replacement Ramone- sitting
in a roomful of rock memorabilia wearing -er- a RAMONES t-shirt!), a barely
post-teen, Gen X-fronting Billy Idol (the sneer wasn’t perfected yet,
but he definitely shines as the rising star of the group) and X-Ray Spex (Poly
Styrene mugging and preening her way through a series of rather mundane, very
English questions in an almost impossible to understand accent) are interspersed
to tell bits and pieces of the story of the music world’s most powerful
anti-movement. Mohawks, safety pins, rancid leather, anti-government/anti-corporate
anthems, dyed hair, pogo-ing, slam-dancing, teen angst, underground revolution,
painfully sophomoric guitar solos, unabashed, out-of-tune yowling and hilarious
hijinx in the name of rock n’ roll all combine here to paint an accurate,
in-the-moment portrait of a never-to-be-repeated time. There’s a sense
of danger, a pregnant, urgent vibe and a fresh, damn-it-all-to-hell attitude
in every performance and video clip included here, something that today’s
corporate-approved, video-spoiled faux punks will never be able to recreate,
reproduce or reinvent. The real deal, and worth every dime. ||
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