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Twin Town High (vol. 8) |
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'round-the-dial
Wednesday 19 May @ 13:23:41 |
 by Tom Hallett
Welcome, 'Dial-heads! This week we're going to delve into the tricky subject of celebrity drunk driving! How fun, huh? Well, probably not a lot of fun for the folks who've been arrested, or the people they might've hurt or killed along the way, but then this is a goofy music-related column (most of the time), so let's try and forget the truly horrific undertones for just a minute and take a look at the lighter side of...
EXTREME CELEBRITY DRUNK DRIVING!!
QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "The press that hang around with you want you to carry on because they want the free drinks and the free whores and fun. Everybody wants to keep on the bandwagon. It's Satyricon. I just got meself in a party. I was an emperor. I had millions of chicks, drinks, drugs, power and everybody saying how great I was. But if I could be a fuckin' fisherman, I would."
—John Lennon
SONG OF THE WEEK: “By The Time My Head Gets To Phoenix”
—Peter Bruntnell
What with the seeming recent explosion of national celeb drunk driving arrests and the current craze for "Reality Television"—and EXTREME Television (which usually means "Extremely BAD Television”) in particular—RTD thought it might be interesting to postulate what would happen if some enterprising young Hollywood exec got the bright idea to mix the two.
Personally, we'd never heard the term "Extreme Drunk Driving" until country/pop crooner Glen Campbell's recent arrest for DWI in Arizona. We thought it was kinda funny at the time, since Campbell, who had a big hit with Jimmy Webb's "By The Time I Get To Phoenix," was, at the time of his "incident," drunkenly heading toward the bright lights of—you guessed it—Phoenix! Apparently, the "Extreme" part comes in when Glen (or any other feisty, spoiled celebrity schmuck) decides he's too big of a star to go down, and starts physically assaulting the arresting officers.
From what we hear, the ol' Rhinestone Cowboy got in a few good licks before they hauled his besotted ass downtown. And we don't mean to single out Glen here—there are plenty of examples of stupid "Extreme" drunk driving in the celebrity world. Great examples of why we, the common folk, have absolutely no business getting behind the wheel crocked. If these fools can go down (although the punishment they receive seems a bit light compared to that meted out to the average Joe or Jane), anybody can. Not to mention all the other great reasons not to drink and drive, like school buses full of kids, somebody's grandparents coming home from a wedding, and that long-haul trucker carrying Round The Dial's weekly supply of Old Milwaukee. Let's take a brief peek at some public figures (well-documented celeb DWI cases), who'd certainly measure up as contestants on that imaginary TV game show we're calling Extreme Celebrity Drunk Driving ...
Short List Of Qualified Famous Players:
1) Number one on the list, of course, would have to be current "President" of the good ol' U.S. of A, George W. Bush. The little chief admits that he was arrested in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol near his parents' home in Kennebunkport, Maine. Bush, who was 30 at the time, pleaded guilty, paid a $150 fine and had his driving privileges temporarily suspended in Maine. Although he claimed to have "learned my lesson" and found a "higher calling" (what—cocaine?), Bush also admits that he didn't actually quit drinking for another 10 years.
Historians will surely dub this the famous "Lost Decade," kind of like Lennon's "Lost Weekend," except most people wish George’s had never ended.
Why He/She Qualifies As "Extreme": Driving so slow the police could probably have run up alongside his car, opened the door, and handcuffed him.
Celebrity Punishment: Light. Extremely Light. Bush said he was not jailed after the arrest. "I told the guy (the arresting officer) I had been drinking, what do I need to do? He said, ‘here's the fine.’ I paid the fine."
2) Who better to follow The Little Wooden Boy than his string-puller/mouthpiece, VP Dick Cheney? Why, no one! Cheney was busted wayyy back in 1962, in Cheyenne, Wyoming. And even when the world was still in Black And White, Tricky Dick II knew how to slip out of a nasty mess.
Why He/She Qualifies As "Extreme": Cheney was popped for "operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated AND drunkenness," as well as for "careless driving." While nobody's sure exactly what Dick did on that lonely Wyoming highway, it was enough to warrant the extra charges of drunkenness and careless driving. Hmmm.
Celebrity Punishment: Although Dick wasn't technically a celeb at the time, money, as they say, talks and bullshit walks. Cheney received a mere $150 fine and had his license suspended for 30 days. Damn, had to pay the driver to make liquor runs for a month. Nowadays, your fines would run into the thousands and you'd lose your license for six months to a year.
3) Original Pop Diva Diana Ross. The smooth-piped former leader of The Supremes finally committed an offense commiserate with her gigantic, overblown ego when she was arrested for DWI and spent months trying to worm her way out of it—even trying to suppress the arrest photos. Not that anyone can blame her, considering the pics out there of other sauced celebs.
Ross was charged with three misdemeanors—extreme DUI, driving under the influence and driving with a blood-alcohol content over .08—after a Breathalyzer test registered her blood-alcohol level at over .20 percent, almost three times the state's limit. Stop in the name of humanity, for Chrissakes!
Why He/She Qualifies As "Extreme": When the arresting officer asked her to walk a straight line for 10 paces with her arms at her sides, she lost her balance while listening to instructions, started walking before the instructions were finished, stopped walking to try to steady herself, did not touch her heel to toe as asked, used her arms for balance and lost her balance when trying to turn around. When told to stand on one foot with her arms at her side, she used her arms for balance, had to place her other foot down three times in seven seconds, than fell over and laughed. When she tried to write the alphabet she had to say it out loud, skipped some letters and repeated others, and when asked to write even numerals from 0 to 30, she included odd numbers, skipped some digits and repeated others. You'd think after all those years of dance lessons and show numbers that Dirty Diana would be able to swing like a pendulum no matter what The Man asked her to do. Oh, wait—she wasn't getting PAID for this particular performance. I geddit.
Celebrity Punishment: Ross was convicted of driving under the influence and ordered to spend just two days in jail. The R&B diva, who telephoned into the city court hearing from New York, pleaded no contest to DUI. Two related charges were dropped. Tucson Magistrate T. Jay Cranshaw found Ross guilty of DUI and sentenced her to serve 48 hours in jail before March 9. She also was sentenced to a year of unsupervised probation. There ain't no mountain high enough to hide the injustice of this sentence, is there Di?
4) Dave Grohl. The Nirvana/Foo Fighters/Queens Of The Stone Age guru was arrested in Australia last year for a typically moronic drunk driving charge.
Why He/She Qualifies As "Extreme": Grohl apparently thought it'd be funny to get shit-faced drunk, rent a motor scooter and go tearing through the streets willy-nilly. The fact that he had photographers and reporters from every rock ’n’ roll news desk in the world following him, as well as loads of rabid fans spotting him in public, didn’t hinder his idiotic joy ride in the least.
Celebrity Punishment: Grohl copped a fine and no conviction in the Gold Coast court last year, for being drunk on a rented motor scooter. His blood alcohol level was reportedly in the vicinity of .15%. Learning to fly, indeed.
There ya go, kids. The first five contestants (Campbell is the returning champion) for EXTREME CELEBRITY DRUNK DRIVING! (Applause, Whistles, Hoots)
Winners will be determined by several factors:
How colorfully the player recounts his/her tale of debauchery, how well the player can actually walk a straight line while sober, and how close the player can come to looking exactly like their own booking photo.
We'll hire Nick Nolte and James Brown (the only celeb in recent memory who's actually received major jail time for his drinkin' and druggin' antics, with the bonus that he's in trouble again as we go to press, this time for domestic violence. Ow! Hey! Good God!) as our hosts, Shannon Doherty can spin the Celebrity Wheel Of Light Punishment, and Bush, Cheney, and the departed spirit of Billy Carter will check in every week as our Official Bibulous Bottomed Cheerleading Section. It should be loads of fun, with all cash and prizes to go to victims of drunk drivers and Old Loadee Musician's Homes across the land. Losers on the show will be forced to sit in an isolation booth and watch/listen to all the movies/TV shows/albums they've filmed/recorded since they began their career down slides. Theme music will be provided by the guests.
Tune in to one of the fading major networks soon for the first edition! Remember, you read it here in the 'Dial first! And here's a sampler of some of our hot, famous, upcoming guests, all of whom have their own Extreme cases:
1) Rap Star/Actress Queen Latifah. (How'd ya like to be the cop pullin' this firecracker over? Ouch.)
2) Action movie star Jean-Claude Van Damme. (Probably received Extreme status because the police couldn't understand a word he said, not realizing he talks like he has a ball of play-dough in his mouth even when he's straight.)
3) Writer/Cult Hero Dr. Hunter S. Thompson (Ditto, times a thousand, plus the reputation. We're amazed Thompson has avoided jail as long as he has. Guess it helps to have Republican buddies, huh, Doc?)
4) Movie director Oliver Stone (Come on, you just know he cried, "Conspiracy!")
5) Pop singer Tiffany (Any press is good press, right Tif?)
6) Brady Bunch actor Mike "Bobby" Lookinland (Come on Bob, give it up already. You'll never be as cool as Greg!)
That's all the insanity I can stand for one week, folks. Tune in next time for more music, CD Reviews, and funky fried flim-flammery. Until then—make yer own damn news.
If you have local music news/gigs/CD's you'd like to see mentioned in this column, or you’ve got a better solution to humiliate celebrity idiot drunk drivers, send replies to: (temporary e-mail)
jamescrouch_1@juno.com.
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